[SXSW 2024] COLD WALLET -- Crypto Heist Thriller Is a B-Movie With Awful Dialogue

Review by Sean Boelman

Making a movie about a “current” topic like cryptocurrency is a challenging prospect. It could be incredibly prescient, or it could feel immediately dated. That’s the least of the problems with Cutter Hodierne’s Cold Wallet, though. Despite the endorsement of iconic and talented crime filmmaker Steven Soderbergh, Cold Wallet is just another run-of-the-mill B-movie — and not a very good one at that.

Cold Wallet follows a group of people who, after losing their life’s savings in a cryptocurrency scam, decide to take things into their own hands and steal the money back from the man who screwed them over. Despite this intriguing premise, this is about as vapid as they come, with nothing of artistic merit and little of entertainment value.

The film is mainly held back by its dialogue, which is frankly atrocious. One line in the movie said with a completely straight face, “You have a missed call from a guy named Guy. Who is this guy?” sticks out as an example of John Hibey’s screenplay lacking the basics, not just of screenwriting but also of the English language. It’s like they didn’t even read the script through to see if everything made sense. 

Speaking of not making sense, the character motivations are completely illogical. You have a father trying to provide for his family, a rich billionaire trying to protect his wealth, and two people who are along for the ride, having lost their money. It’s basic enough. However, the third act tries to pit them against each other in different ways, and the dynamics it attempts simply do not work.

The only person in the cast who manages to make something of their role is Raúl Castillo (Army of the Dead), and it’s hard not to feel bad for the actor. He’s trying to bring his usual charm and gravitas, but the role is so detestable by the end that he can’t save it. Josh Brener (Silicon Valley) gives what might be the laziest performance ever given in cinematic history. And Tony Cavalero (The Righteous Gemstones) is wasted on a role that fundamentally misunderstands its talents.

One might be able to forgive Cold Wallet if its production values were at least sleek and energetic. It is “presented” by Steven Soderbergh, after all, so one might hope this would be an Ocean’s-esque crypto heist movie. Those hopes would be in vain, as the film has all the dour qualities of every crappy straight-to-VOD B-movie you’ve ever seen.

Indeed, Hodierne’s second feature does not work on any level. As a home invasion thriller, it’s not tense; as a heist movie, it’s not exciting; and as a Robin Hood-esque revenge tale, there’s no compelling hero to root for. If anything, you’re watching to see the worse people get their comeuppance, but it doesn’t even deliver satisfying carnage in that regard.  

The fallacy of Cold Wallet can probably be best summed up by a promotion the filmmakers ran timed to the festival premiere. The film is unquestionably a cautionary tale about the dangers of crypto and obsession with these fads. Yet despite this, attendees were given the chance to enter a contest to win Bitcoin. If this sounds hypocritical, that’s because it is — but it doesn’t even touch the level of idiocy present in the script.

Cold Wallet screened at the 2024 SXSW Film Festival, which ran March 8-16 in Austin, TX.

Rating: 1.5/5