MADAME WEB -- The Worst Movie of the Year

Review by Adam Donato

Mattie Franklin (Celeste O’Connor), Cassandra Webb (Dakota Johnson), Anya Corazon (Isabela Merced), and Julia Cornwall (Sydney Sweeney) in Columbia Pictures’ MADAME WEB.

Sony has cultivated as awful of a reputation as a major movie studio can have. Their handling of the rights to Spider-Man has been bailed out by partnering with the MCU and taking a risk with their animated movies. They've tried to build off this success by attempting to expand their Spider-Man universe. While Warner Brothers has found outstanding success with their solo villain movies like Joker, Sony has shit out solo films for Venom and Morbius, and this year will see the release of both Madame Web and Kraven the Hunter. Thanks to the selfish studios causing a writer's strike, both Madame Web and Kraven the Hunter have been pushed back. Sony probably wishes they could erase these movies for insurance money like the hack known as David Zaslav. Is this negative buzz/momentum going to manifest a shit show, or can Sony see their own future and avoid a total disaster?

Morbius asserted itself as one of the most infamous releases of this decade, but with Madame Web, Sony has truly outdone themselves. At least Morbius looked like the comic book character sometimes. Madame Web has three scenes where the superhero characters are in their costumes, and the first two are in the trailers. It's so vile of Sony to market this movie like it's a superhero movie when it's clearly not. They're so desperate to squeeze every last drop of viability from the Spider-Man brand. Watching this movie is like eating the peel of an orange with the stickers still on it. Every conceivable connection to Peter Parker is already exhausted in the marketing. If you're only interested in this film for the cameos and references, steer clear. That is unless you're interested in hearing yet another interpretation of the "with great power comes great responsibility" line. 

Remember when Dakota Johnson's second role was a bit part in The Social Network? Choose your projects wisely, or you can fall down the same path. Johnson is learning that lesson now, as this movie made her switch agencies. This was due for her as she's a three-time nominee for the Alliance of Women Film Journalists award for Actress Most in Need of a New Agent. You don't need to watch the movie to tell that Dakota Johnson doesn't want to be there. Just watch her interviews! They're far more entertaining than her performance in the film. After this performance, the two-time Razzie winner is certainly due for a lifetime achievement award. At least Jared Leto tried with Morbius.

Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim) in Columbia Pictures’ MADAME WEB.

The marketing outside of Johnson's indifference has been the sex appeal of the film. It's a female-led superhero film starring the star of the most iconic sex trilogy of all time. There are several promos for the movie where Johnson and Sydney Sweeney play up the sex appeal of watching this movie. It comes out on Valentine's Day, for Christ's sake. This is such a sleazy marketing move, as there's nothing overtly sexual about the film. How many types of movies will Madame Web try to be to entice anybody on the planet to see this movie in a theater? It's not a superhero movie, a thirst trap, or a romance. Who is Madame Web even for?

The rise of superhero movies in terms of quantity has not been met with a subsequent rise in great supervillains. The Batman aside, the supervillain landscape has been completely barren since the fall of Thanos. Tahar Rahim plays Ezekiel Sims in Madame Web. His character murders Madame Web's mother and takes the spider they discovered back with him to the States. He uses the spider to gain wealth and powers but is haunted by the visions of three young Spider Women killing him. He's a standard mustache-twirling villain, but not in a fun way. He's just the bad guy, and even his personal connection to Madame Web is completely squandered. His look is so bland it's ugly. There's no interesting backstory for his character. There's no compelling performance. There's no moral gray area. His powers are lackluster. What a waste of a villain. 

Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, and Celeste O'Connor will probably get away with this disaster of a movie. Obviously, there will not be any sequels or continuation of this story whatsoever. They're young enough in their careers that they will be able to endure this shit show. Sweeney still has the surprise hit Anyone But You in theaters for an encore release, Merced has an Alien film, and O'Connor has another Ghostbusters film coming out this year. This trio has to deal with the stereotypes of their characters dialed up to the absolute maximum. Their wardrobe is reminiscent of when Disney adults go to the theme parks wearing regular outfit versions of Disney costumes. They sport the color scheme of their superhero counterparts, and they're rarely allowed to be proactive in the action. These helpless schoolgirls annoyingly bicker throughout the entire film, and their default move for playing around is throwing things at each other. While it's frustrating only to see these characters in costume during visions, nobody will be clamoring to see these characters continue forward. 

Madame Web is a film that will make audiences lose respect for ambulances and never want to drink Pepsi again. Johnson is due for a career redemption arc after this stinker of a performance. There isn't an ounce of anything compelling here, from the story to the characters. It's an embarrassment to the genre and is sure to inspire many empty theaters. In what has been a pitiful year at the cinema so far, Madame Web blows itself out of the water. Only a Dune sequel can save us now. Be sure to catch Dune: Part Two in theaters starting next month. ​

Madame Web hits theaters on February 14.

Rating: 0/5